This blog is just a lie..

Truth is, I still think about you, day and night.

I can't forget you, J.

You appear in my dreams, in the corner of my mind, you're just there.

I know how happy you must be now that you're married..

It may have been a crush, but in all honesty..

It has "crushed" my life. I can't bring myself to do anything, anymore. There's just nothing I can do to change that fact.

Pathetic as it may seem, you have no idea what I'm going through right now. No.. idea.. whatsoever.

Still, I wish you all the best in whatever you do.

The problem with the friendship between us, if there ever really was one, is that I blame myself for everything. It has never been your fault. I may flare up at times just because I have a weird temper..

But it has always been my fault.

For hoping too much

For loving too much

For crying too much

For losing too much.

No matter what happens. all I know is that I'll never stop caring about you, even if it means just staying away and not intruding in your life anymore.

It was a period of a decade, people say it takes twice the amount of time to forget someone.. That's 20 years. I think it'll be forever till the day I die.

Last post in this blog, as I feel I'm cheating even myself too much with this title. New beginning? More likely the beginning of the end.

Yours Faithfully

James See

Hi there, blog.

Its a new year, I guess I really should change the layout but I'm really damn fucking lazy. There's a couple of things that have totally changed my perspective in life, this time.. I swear on revenge.

Everything and everyone who has taken me lightly, you fucking WATCHOUT. I'm not fucking kidding you. Even with my frail body, it all but takes a pipe to your head to knock you out. Of course, I'm not gonna resort to violence, rather I will toy with your mind slowly and gradually till you break.

You want to play dirty? I can be the DIRTIEST of people you can ever lay your eyes on. Forever alone? Hell yeah I'll be forever alone if you all don't exist in my life no more.

I do not care that this post is in a public blog and someone will see it, but I have to take it out somewhere. This is the first place to do it.

Screw love, screw fake friends, screw my father. I know who I'll need and who I can depend on. Last night was an excellent example of what makes a friend.

Sanford is definitely one of them. On new year's, Wendy proved that she is one of them. Victor has always proved to be one. The rest is... eh.

I can live without girls in my life, despite what you all think. I just like having some eye-candy around while I'm drinking. Yes, I drink, not sip like some pussy having a hard-time drinking. Yes, I vomit after that. But you know what?

In all seriousness, I am fully aware of my surroundings and what's happening around me, even I'm up to my limit, meaning that any breath I take may end up in me puking all over the place.

Last night, right after I ranted a little to Wen Jie, aka "Mink", she went in the room and didn't even look me in the eye once. Didn't say a word to me, even though I looked in her direction quite a few times. Had a look around the room, actually, I bet a lot of the guys there want to get in her pants.

Well I do kinda like her, she has that same passion in singing as I do, and we do talk sometimes quite smoothly, without me screwing up the conversation as I usually do with someone I like. Thing is, she did one thing I will not fathom.

Judge me. I absolutely hate when people aren't in my shoes and judge me. They do not know this feeling of helplessness when they have an abusive father, a psychiatrist AND doctor/specialist who has already diagnosed me as unfit to work.

If I go to any company, and they find out about this. HELLO? YOU THINK THEY HIRE? I cut short the convo as soon as she started judging me, because I was already infuriated.

You aren't me, so do not JUDGE ME! That thing alone threw off every single bit of attraction I had to her. That and the fact that Sanford obviously likes her. When I say that I kinda like her, I can see that he isn't happy. Okay then.

I knew it from the exact moment I saw her and Sanford come in together on my birthday. My feminine sixth sense is still functioning properly, I guess. I sense things like that. He said before to becareful of her, she got some attitude or something, but he does call her and stuff...

So... He might deny it, but yeah I think he still likes her. So, as a friend, I will step out of the picture totally, I'll not even call or contact her anymore. Hopefully not even see her. I'm really considering not going to any outings with that group anymore. At most I'll ask Sanford out, not the rest.

I do not know if you'll ever see this, but Angela, that hug confirmed one thing, and that is I'm over you.

fuck you

自摸自摸就好

晚上朋友打给我
说要我现在过去打几圈麻雀
对着镜子我承诺
今天我要胡牌而且必须自摸

不算什么 打错就打错
早点自摸 早一点解脱

我自摸自摸就好
这时候谁都别来打牌，放炮
就让我一个人去等到 摸不到
很好，没放炮 没还钱就还好

我自摸自摸就好
你真的不用在我旁边来嘲笑
我就不相信我倒霉到，摸不到
千万别放炮 我本来就听牌的

神一定要救我了

我总会把你摸到，哦

还在等那一张牌
一直进牌打出 也没改变什么
等人放炮也没用
别人知道我在 听的牌是什么

会有什么 什么都没有
我槓一下 原来已经自摸

我自摸自摸就好
这整圈我都没有打牌 放炮
谁叫你们一直在偷笑 笑得好
而我 赢钱了自摸了大声笑

我自摸自摸就好
你真的不用在我的旁边，撒娇
你真的相信我会笨到 不胡掉
而不收钱了

我最喜欢自摸的

别忘记赔我钱了

What have I become? Where is the old me? Why am I behaving this way? When did it happen? How will I live my life in 2 years? So many unanswered questions..

Time and again I've gave you the chance to salvage this friendship, but it seems you both aren't really enthusiastic at all about it. The both of you were really special to me, ya know? Other people I really would've have bothered so much.

Nope. This is it. Do not even try to make me feel bad about it because I'm fucking sick of this whole masquerade. Don't come and talk to me as if you mean something but your actions show otherwise. It is really rude, don't you think?

Its unacceptable to me. I won't give you the special treatment this time. Not anymore.

If you even treat me as a friend just back off, its fucking tiring to be feeling upset 80% of the time. Let me be angry, fume it off and move on with my life.

I mean it this time and I won't go back on my words. I'M BREAKING UP THIS FRIENDSHIP AND ITS FINAL. DO NOT EVEN TRY TO CONTACT ME OR I"LL BE REALLY MAD.